“I’ve had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened.”
With the recent release of my book, Unplug, I’ve been faced with a rush of self-limiting doubts that have knocked me off balance. Just when I think I’ve moved through the “ick”, a deeper layer emerges into consciousness.
Over the years I’ve come to learn that ick serves an important purpose. It shines a light on the places and spaces where unhealed wounds still linger in the forgotten corners of my mind.
The recent barrage of self-limiting doubts have inspired me to delve deeper within to revive my truth and reclaim my voice. It’s an exhaustingly familiar place: I’m called from within to play bigger, manifest my dreams, and bust free from the confines of a perpetually expanding comfort zone. No time for complacency because the call for expansion never sleeps.
But every time the zone expands, I run into the same old roadblock of doubt and fear … the ick. And guarding the roadblock is a crotchety old character who will not let me pass go. This irritating entity has the annoying habit of slowing me down and spinning nasty stories inside of my head.
Meet weinie, the dream stealing a-hole conditioned to preserve the status quo of an outdated comfort zone.
When weinie hijacks my head, I’m knocked flat—filled with self-doubt—unconscious to my raison d’être. When she runs the show, I know that I’ve been captured—placed behind enemy lines, unable to expand beyond the prison of her fear-filled limitations. The arrogance of her smallness tells me that I’m worthless, that my voice doesn’t matter. Fortunately my passion for a more compassionate world inevitably prevails and snaps me back to life, but weinie’s dominating presence makes for an unpleasant ride. When I free myself from her grips, I remind myself that I didn’t take on the status quo crushing moniker for kicks. I play for keeps and I know that I will never evolve if I engage in weinie’s worry’s.
Weinie has a snarky, self-righteous persona. I’ve learned that resistance is futile because she only digs her heels in deeper. But breathing through her incessant chatter reveals to me the wound. It’s only then that I can see her for who she really is: a scared little girl whose voice was silenced by an oppressive patriarchal world. I sob. I breathe. I release. I return home to my heart—to my soul. I remember that I don’t need permission to express myself, I just need to do it. That is my birthright—that is our birthright. Weinie (aka ego/inner critic/fear) is not the bad gal, she’s a reminder of a systemic disease that affects us all: the cultural conditioning that teaches us (especially women) that our voices don’t matter.
Patriarchy has infected every system on our planet: from “health” care to education, parenting to politics. From media to law to science, religion, and culture. For thousands of years, patriarchal rule has silenced the feminine within each of us, regardless of gender. We are taught to think, not feel; do, not be; compete, not collaborate; conform, not create. We are taught to exert force, dominate, consume, blame, shame, deny, label, judge, fight, kill, win, resist, confront, suppress, oppress … cannibalize our souls and be afraid, very afraid.
Patriarchal culture, aka status quo, is prime feeding ground for weinie. It stimulates her reptilian fears and brings her to life.
As a highly sensitive person with an insatiable hunger for a kinder world, I often struggle between between wanting to live a simple, quiet life, and wanting to be heard in bigger and bigger ways.
By breaking free from my natural introversion and putting myself “out there” in more expansive ways, I’m at the mercy of a wounded collective consciousness and I feel naked, my sensitive heart exposed for all to see. It takes a profound internal connection to play big in a weinie world. It ain’t for the faint of heart—especially when the meanest weinie lives inside of me!
My recent struggle with weinie is the inspiration for this month’s post. Her recent toxic presence in my head has triggered an interesting line of critical thought and self-observation that feels worthy of sharing. With that, I share with you a few of the symptoms of weinie ruling the roost:
- Weinie takes the scenic route and finds the traffic jams along the way. She’s mastered the art of distraction, excuses, and procrastination. Weinie is the original thief of dreams.
- Weinie preys on vulnerable moments, infecting self-worth with her fear-filled agenda.
- Weinie cares more about what others think than what the soul is so desperate to express.
- Weinie must be right. Winning (i.e. dominating) is her power.
- Weinie runs on patterns, rituals, habits, old beliefs, and traditions. She desperately fears change.
- Weinie is a compulsive nag. Her incessant chatter is rooted in insecurity. She shrinks around others, or attempts to shrink others.
- Weinie is a victim to circumstances. She prefers pity over power.
- Weinie conforms to culture because she fears standing out.
- Weinie loves to talk, but rarely follows through.
- Weinie is the static in your head that mutes the voice of your heart.
- Weinie is impatient, intolerant, and hyper-critical. Her judgmental persona poisons your soul.
- Weinie is the mask. She smiles when she’s sad and is “nice” when she’s mad.
- Weinie is the resistance that prevents you from finishing the creative projects you eagerly start.
- Weinie sources power from guilt, blame, and shame. When you feel crappy about yourself, say hello to weinie.
- Weinie jealously resents the success of others (despite how she holds you back from your own).
- Weinie is the pusher who drives you to exhaustion, compares you to others, and infects you with addictive, distracting behaviors (i.e. Facebook, Netflix, overeating, shopping, drinking, etc.).
Weinie is the force who rationalizes the jobs that bore you, the friendships that don’t feed you, and the intimate relationships that you’ve long outgrown.
She lurks behind your triggers and your doubts; your excuses and your fears. She’s the judge, the procrastinator, and the self-loathing meanie. She’s the chameleon, the victim, the aggressor, the pacifist, the worrier, the narcissist, the conformist, the reactor, the perfectionist, and the know-it-all. She’s fearful, bored, judgemental, arrogant, and insecure. She prefers history over experience; structure over play; control over flow.
Weinie is the silencer of your soul.
However dominant your weinie is, is a measure of how much of your soul you have yet to reclaim.
The cultural conditioning that infects us all has the profound intent of ensuring our disconnect. When we stray from our core, our desperation forces us to look outside of ourselves, forgetting that we already are everything that we claim to seek.
But when we connect to our selves, we lose interest in referencing the world outside of us. We lose interest in what others expect of us or want us to do. We lose interest in what the masses are doing. We lose interest in what others think of us. We lose interest in advice, opinions, jealousy, or judgement. We lose interest in weinie … we lose interest in the status quo.
Although I still have my struggles with weinie, I’ve learned how to navigate her unpleasant ways. She may be a part of me, but she’s not the real me. The real me is not the wounded, fearful child-nag in my head; the real me lives in my heart. The real me is the powerful soul essence of passion, courage, love, and compassion that drives me to be, do, and act for a kinder world.
So when weinie shows up in my life, here’s how I return to truth:
- Breathe. Weinie has the tendency of restricting my breath. Remembering the simplicity of conscious breath immediately calms me down and plugs me back in to my heart.
- Feel. Weinie is my wound and she needs to be expressed, not suppressed. Every time I release her, she has a lesser hold on me.
- Self-care. Weinie times are tender times. I nurture myself with more time in nature, more time in silence, more time being (less time doing), more time creating, and more time with like-minded, non-judgmental, caring community.
- GOYADI. Once I start coming back, my passion returns and I kick start myself with this acronym, GOYADI: Get Over Yourself And Do It!
I don’t know if weinie ever leaves, but she becomes much easier to navigate when I remember the profound simplicity of just being myself and telling my truth.
In the end, I leave you with this: You are not your weinie. You are so much more. Be everything that you’re meant to be and ride that wave into your own limitlessness. The world needs you!
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