As I continue the vigorous pace of my personal evolution, the emptiness I feel when engaging with others presents more frequently. In fact, I feel more alone engaging with most people than I do when I’m actually alone. There are exceptions, of course. They are the rare few who are also committed to their own personal evolution; free of all doctrine, be it Christianity, Buddhism, Hinduism, science, politics, technology, or any other form of dogmatic thought. These are the few who have progressed beyond the shallow awareness of seeking to know more to become “enlightened”, “awakened” (as if there is a finish line), or to become a “better person”; to the deeper awareness of knowing their connection to all life and choosing to live accordingly.
While the majority of humans live their lives from the coma of culturally conditioned habituation, many others profess their commitment to some sort of spiritual search. Few, however, are willing to move beyond the search in order to find, own and engage the limitless nature of their potential. Even fewer are willing to engage this potential in relation to the severity of our planetary predicament. It takes great courage and Self trust (Soul trust) to be willing to stand this naked, liberated from the confines of our finite mortal nature; intimately connected to the infinite Self that defines what we truly are. In a comatose global collective, how does one converse with individuals so profoundly bound to the illusion of our finite physicality? How does one connect to the disconnected who are utterly clueless about their disconnect? How does one who is connected with their Self relate to those who don’t even know there is a Self to know? If one is not awake, how can they live an awakened life? How does one wake up when they don’t even know they’re asleep?
My capacity to talk about the mundane and meaningless in our “conversation atrophied” world, is absent. I no longer have the tolerance or patience for conversations lacking in depth and intimacy. Sure I can calibrate for common ground on the terms of others and “meet folks where they’re at”, but I can’t deny that it doesn’t leave me feeling more empty in the end. So I find myself spending less and less time with more and more people. I’ve worked so hard on myself that I trust what works best for me. Self compromise serves nobody, least of all me.
The conversations that mean most to me defy the monotony of the terrestrial, and few are willing to step into this world free of opinions, advice, dogma, and other forms of judgment. Few are willing to take the deep dive into acceptance of a reality that doesn’t map to the longevity of our species, and of Life on this planet. Even fewer are willing to become so much more as a result. Not unexpectedly, few conversations leave me feeling satiated. Most just leave me feeling empty. In fact, the mortally wounded planet is less noxious to me than most of the humans I share it with. Gaea, I can trust. People, not so much. Needless to say, I choose wisely who I spend my time with.
Let’s face it, as a generalized global species human beings are disconnected: from the natural world; from birds, fish, reptiles, insects, and animals; from each other; and most importantly from their own Selves. Lack of Self intimacy is the source of all separation in our world. It is the reason for our vastly degraded collective consciousness; the reason for our global idiocracy. It is also the source of all brutality in the world, from self-loathing to the loathing of others; to war, animal slaughter, and the mindless decimation of the planet.
Most people are intimately connected to their externally sourced distractions: their personal stories and dramas, their busyness, consumption patterns, jobs, addictions, pornography, tv shows, workout schedules, and most notably, their devices. As Joaquin Phoenix said in the movie, Irrational Man, “People embellish stories, gossip, blame others, and manufacture drama so they can get through their lives because they are so empty.” But what would life be like without stories, consumption and drama? What would life be like without gossip, judgment, blame, social media, celebrity culture, television, computers, devices, and everything else that pulls us away from our internal worlds? To even consider the exploration of these questions, we must have both intimacy and trust in our Selves.
The truth is, we cannot get to intimacy and Self trust without being internally referenced. This is an entirely different paradigm of Being, and we cannot get to this paradigm from the one we are in. We must dare to walk down a path of discovery that lifts us into a radically different way of moving through the world. Reason, intellect, analysis, and logic will never take us there. Only curiosity, courage, determination, and hunger to know one’s Self can propel us there. We must trust this. We can only trust this when we trust our Selves, however. It is this depth of Self intimacy that changes everything.
Having reached this place in my own life, I no longer “want” anything. I’m at peace with who I am, where I am and how I am. I long for nothing, living only in the now of my experience. I engage with Life as it unfolds. My current challenge lies in the notion of discovering any intention in a world that I hold as disappearing; opposites cancelling each other out. This basically leads me back to wanting nothing.
Life can sometimes feel quite uncomfortable because what I’m left with is the sound of my own breathing. This is where I’m now at. I’m training myself to live with the sound of my own breathing and little more beyond what presents in the moment. It is often uncomfortable because it is a depth of connection to one’s Self that I, like everyone else, was not trained into. I’ve not only eliminated (and continue to eliminate) the dramas in my own life, I’ve eliminated much of the consumption of externally sourced thoughts, opinions and dramas of others. It’s amazing how many ways there are to consume and create drama. When neither exist in life anymore, there is little left beyond moments, the mundanities of daily existence and the sound of one’s own breath. It can be rather disorienting. It is also very peaceful.
Over time, I’ve come to realize that any feelings of “despair”, “agitation”, and “depression” are directly related to how much time I spend looking outside of myself (i.e. news posts, blogs, videos, and generally the thoughts, conversations and opinions of others.) For obvious reasons, I spend little time seeking content from the outside world because my internal world is so rich and meaningful. That said, I do find the world of today and most people in it to be quite dismal, but I myself am not depressed because I’ve chosen instead to create my own world. As Gandhi once said, “Be the change you wish to see in the world.” This has always been deeply meaningful for me. It reminds me of the infinite Creator that I am.
I used to think this would be a lonely place to stand. Nothing to talk about with others and isolated in my ignorance about the minutiae of what’s trending with world culture and events. But as I learn to navigate the space of “the sound of my own breath”, I feel more alone in the presence of those with nothing else to talk about than the dramas of the world, including the dramas in their own personal lives. I feel more alone with anyone who lacks intimacy with their Selves, that powerful intimacy I’ve worked so hard to reclaim with my own Self.
What I deeply value are the intimate conversations I have with my partner, Deb Gleason and my dear friend, Louise LeBrun. Our weekly “Table Talks” have profound depth and meaning. Unlike most conversations that deplete me, these conversations invigorate me. I feel nourished and more Whole as a result. Our conversations fill the void of Self intimacy that is so lacking in our world.
During one of our recent conversations, we made the decision to occasionally share the intimacy of our Table Talks. There is nothing fancy about these recorded conversations. No high-end recording equipment. No script. No fancy editing. No funky music. Just the three of us chatting intimately from the Soul to the Soul. In our willingness to be so open, vulnerable and intimate in our conversations, possibilities emerge for intimacy to be discovered within the listener. After all, we are all contagious. The contagion we choose to spread is entirely up to every one of us. And I choose to spread the contagion of Self intimacy leading to radical authenticity.
Enjoy the audio conversation above this post.
NOTE: In this audio conversation, Louise references “Androgenous Baby™” and “Nested Living Systems™”. More information about these concepts can be found on this page.